It's weird having a boy. I feel completely different about Karl than how I feel about my girls. I don't love any of them any less than one another, but ugh, I just can't explain it.
My mom had 3 boys before having a girl. When she had my sister, she noticed change in my dad. She said "Any man can be a father, but it takes a little girl to be a daddy".
And that's how I feel. When I tried to explain it to Tom, he just said that's how he feels about the girls.
It's funny actually. All men seem to want sons and all women seem to want daughters. And getting the opposite is really an eye opener. I thank God everyday to thank him for having a boy this time. I'd of never known if I had another girl.
Please don't be offended by this. If you only have girls or if you only have boys, I just can't explain the difference. And by NO means do I think women don't love their girls or Men don't love their boys any less. For ~me~, it's just different.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I applied for WIC today.
When I lost my job, we figured out our budget using unemployment as part of our pay. Due to that, we used quite a bit of my severance to pay off all of our debt. Since then, we found out, too late, that I don't qualify for unemployment until the end of our severance period. Everyone told me I could get it, so I really booked on using it. I still have a chunk of my severance pay, but its a lot less than I need. Ugh.
So I swallowed my pride and went down to the WIC office to apply. For a family of five, we are well in the qualification limits. Both Karl and Allison are covered. Getting help with formula, baby food, fruits, veggies, cheese, bread and cereal is really going to help. We're going to have to tighten our belts big time right now and I can genuinely say I need help financially. I shouldn't be on it longer than 3 months, but I'm going to take what I can get.
Has anyone else out there gone down for WIC? They really grilled me in questioning how I was feeding my children! Yet after all the questions, she complimented me and said I was doing everything right.
What a lifestyle change for me. I went from buying $500 handbags whenever I wanted to applying for WIC. Being jobless sucks.
So I swallowed my pride and went down to the WIC office to apply. For a family of five, we are well in the qualification limits. Both Karl and Allison are covered. Getting help with formula, baby food, fruits, veggies, cheese, bread and cereal is really going to help. We're going to have to tighten our belts big time right now and I can genuinely say I need help financially. I shouldn't be on it longer than 3 months, but I'm going to take what I can get.
Has anyone else out there gone down for WIC? They really grilled me in questioning how I was feeding my children! Yet after all the questions, she complimented me and said I was doing everything right.
What a lifestyle change for me. I went from buying $500 handbags whenever I wanted to applying for WIC. Being jobless sucks.
Monday, September 28, 2009
7 things you don't know about me
I was nominated for the "Kreativ Award" from the beautiful Lisa. She is the mommy of two gorgeous little boys, twins Zachary and Nicolas and blogs at "Our Janidlo Clan".
Rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each
Hrm. Seven things you don't know about me. This is going to be hard.
1. I was a competitive gymnast for 9 years. I used to practice before school and after school, along with every weekend. Thank goodness I went through a growth spurt and got too lanky for gymnastics and could no longer stay a good gymnast. I got my childhood back!
2. I know every word to the movie "The Breakfast Club".
3. In 5th grade, I went to a school assembly for "DARE" and actually took mental notes of what drugs I wanted to try because they sounded fun. (yeah, that program totally didn't work for me!)
4. I played violin for 3 years in elementary school and was in the advanced group. I had NO IDEA how to read music and I faked every single concert. I would just watch the person in front of me and would copy their bow movements.
5. I was a good kid in Jr High and never ditched a class ever. The first time I ditched in high school, I took the side streets because I really thought there was truant officers out on the lookout for kids ditching class. I would hide whenever a car came down the road.
6. Once in high school, I was the bad girl. I was the one who would sneak in wine coolers to slumber parties. They'd always be warm because I would hide them under my bed. I would steal one or two from my parents and collect them to take with me to the next slumber party I went to. Then we would all take sips from the 2 or 3 I had collected and we'd pretend to get drunk.
7. I didn't get my period until I was 16 years old. Talk about late bloomer!
I'm nominating the following people for the Kreativ Blogger award (Why is it spelled Kreativ? I guess it ~is~ a creative way of spelling the word!) because I would love to see 7 things I don't know about them!
1. Shayna
2. Jenn
3. Laurel (aka Bay)
4. Jen
5. Jen
6. Jewels (private blog so I'm not linking to her, but I do want to see her answers!)
7. Julie (aka Jules)
Rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each
Hrm. Seven things you don't know about me. This is going to be hard.
1. I was a competitive gymnast for 9 years. I used to practice before school and after school, along with every weekend. Thank goodness I went through a growth spurt and got too lanky for gymnastics and could no longer stay a good gymnast. I got my childhood back!
2. I know every word to the movie "The Breakfast Club".
3. In 5th grade, I went to a school assembly for "DARE" and actually took mental notes of what drugs I wanted to try because they sounded fun. (yeah, that program totally didn't work for me!)
4. I played violin for 3 years in elementary school and was in the advanced group. I had NO IDEA how to read music and I faked every single concert. I would just watch the person in front of me and would copy their bow movements.
5. I was a good kid in Jr High and never ditched a class ever. The first time I ditched in high school, I took the side streets because I really thought there was truant officers out on the lookout for kids ditching class. I would hide whenever a car came down the road.
6. Once in high school, I was the bad girl. I was the one who would sneak in wine coolers to slumber parties. They'd always be warm because I would hide them under my bed. I would steal one or two from my parents and collect them to take with me to the next slumber party I went to. Then we would all take sips from the 2 or 3 I had collected and we'd pretend to get drunk.
7. I didn't get my period until I was 16 years old. Talk about late bloomer!
I'm nominating the following people for the Kreativ Blogger award (Why is it spelled Kreativ? I guess it ~is~ a creative way of spelling the word!) because I would love to see 7 things I don't know about them!
1. Shayna
2. Jenn
3. Laurel (aka Bay)
4. Jen
5. Jen
6. Jewels (private blog so I'm not linking to her, but I do want to see her answers!)
7. Julie (aka Jules)
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I must talk about something.
I am no longer breastfeeding. (this is ~not~ what this post is about. keep reading.)
Writing that sentance was the hardest thing I have ever written.
Due to all my surgeries post baby, Karl had more formula than my girls from the get go. I pumped and dumped a lot of milk and when I knew I was meds free, karl would still nurse like a champ. But due to pain meds from the 4 surgeries I had, I just didn't want him to injest too much of it and gave him enfamil formula.
I think breastfeeding is best. But I've always said I am not anti formula. I would say Karl got 85% breastmilk for the first 7 months. For my girls, they got 99.99% breastmilk until the one year mark. I was always so proud of it. And now, at 8 months old, Karl is 100% formula fed.
I haven't mentioned this because it's so private and although I don't hide much, there are some things I keep private, such as my marriage. That's just something for me and my husband - our personal thing I like to keep sacred. But maybe talking about it may help me deal with what's been going on.
About 5 weeks ago, I started taking anti depression medication. I've never had depression before in my life and I really didn't know I had it until my husband confronted me about it. It started around the time we got in the thick of things when trying to conceive Karl. I was depressed and I chalked it up to the ttc failures - all my surgeries, failures and disappointments. Once I got pregnant though, I didn't change much. Sure, I was thrilled to be pregnant, but I wasn't myself. I assumed it was because of all the scariness with having placenta accreta and the velamentous cord insertion. I figured knowing I could lose the baby at any moment was enough to make me sad and scared. Then I had Karl and all the trials of having a newborn were there. Karl was a great baby too, yet I still didn't "snap out of it". And due to the fact I felt this way long before I gave birth, it obviously wasn't post partum depression.
Many of you noticed the change in me. There were times I simply didn't post for days and days. And when I did post, it wasn't anything happy. I tried to fake it and I did a good job faking it to my friends, but I couldn't hide it from my family. All I wanted to do was sleep and even after sleeping hours on end, I would be exhausted. I didn't want anything to do with my husband other than the day to day stuff. I just couldn't be a good mom, instead, I was just going through the motions. When I woke up, I literally counted the hours until I could sleep again. I was a terrible employee (and probably led to the reason I was picked to be laid off). I felt guilty. I felt guilty I wasn't being the type of mother you'd see on tv. I felt guilty I wasn't being a good wife. The house was a mess. The laundry wasn't getting done. I simply laid on the couch and passed the time, doing the minimal amount of things, until I could go to sleep again. I would daydream about dying and suicide. I would NEVER leave my children, but I thought how much easier it would be if I was no longer around.
About 2 months ago, Tom confronted me. He asked me if I still loved him. I burst out in tears. I finally opened up about how I was feeling and he sat and listened. He held me. He told me he loved me and he would support me anyway he could. I asked him if he thought I should go see a psychiatrist. He said if I wanted to, then yes, I should go. It was a bad night, all my guilt gushing out at once. I was puffy eyed from crying by the time it was over, but he understood.
It took a few weeks to get the referral and to get in for the initial consult, but I did it. I took a test and it showed in black and white that I was clincally depressed. Her diagnosis was really a form of PPD, brought on by hormones, but what probably happened in my case was my depression was triggered by the fertility medication. Looking back at it now seems so clear! It all added up. I did have PPD but it was from the hormones of the IF treatments themselves, not the hormones from having a baby. It's like a lightbulb went off and it all made sense.
I was put on the lowest dose of an anti depressent. The problem was I couldn't breastfeed. At 7 months, I weighed the aspect of getting better with the aspect of stopping breastfeeding early. I picked getting better. The medication is a class C of drugs and this is what it said about breastfeeding: "Excreted into milk can cause toxic effects on newborn such as vomiting, watery stool, irritability and decreased sleep. Unknown long-term effects on neurobehavior or development of infants exposed to drug." That's something I couldn't chance and I stopped breastfeeding for the time being, simply pumping and dumping until we knew if I would continue the medication long term.
Two to three weeks after I started the med, my life changed. Drastically. I'm back to my old self. My house is clean. I'm keeping on top of laundry and the cooking. I'm back being a wonderful mommy, doing the extra things like art projects and reading books, instead of just doing the minimum. I'm back to being interested in my husband. I'm back. It's amazing that such a little pill can help me be a better person, but it has. I could be the fucking poster child for the medication.
So. That leaves me no longer breastfeeding. And while that breaks my heart to a zillion pieces, being Nancy, Mommy, Wife and Friend is more important.
This picture was taken before I knew I'd have to stop breastfeeding and I'm so glad it was taken. It's one of the last nursing sessions I had with Karl. It makes me cry to know it's over, but I'm not torn up over wondering if I made the right decision or not. I know I did.
Writing that sentance was the hardest thing I have ever written.
Due to all my surgeries post baby, Karl had more formula than my girls from the get go. I pumped and dumped a lot of milk and when I knew I was meds free, karl would still nurse like a champ. But due to pain meds from the 4 surgeries I had, I just didn't want him to injest too much of it and gave him enfamil formula.
I think breastfeeding is best. But I've always said I am not anti formula. I would say Karl got 85% breastmilk for the first 7 months. For my girls, they got 99.99% breastmilk until the one year mark. I was always so proud of it. And now, at 8 months old, Karl is 100% formula fed.
I haven't mentioned this because it's so private and although I don't hide much, there are some things I keep private, such as my marriage. That's just something for me and my husband - our personal thing I like to keep sacred. But maybe talking about it may help me deal with what's been going on.
About 5 weeks ago, I started taking anti depression medication. I've never had depression before in my life and I really didn't know I had it until my husband confronted me about it. It started around the time we got in the thick of things when trying to conceive Karl. I was depressed and I chalked it up to the ttc failures - all my surgeries, failures and disappointments. Once I got pregnant though, I didn't change much. Sure, I was thrilled to be pregnant, but I wasn't myself. I assumed it was because of all the scariness with having placenta accreta and the velamentous cord insertion. I figured knowing I could lose the baby at any moment was enough to make me sad and scared. Then I had Karl and all the trials of having a newborn were there. Karl was a great baby too, yet I still didn't "snap out of it". And due to the fact I felt this way long before I gave birth, it obviously wasn't post partum depression.
Many of you noticed the change in me. There were times I simply didn't post for days and days. And when I did post, it wasn't anything happy. I tried to fake it and I did a good job faking it to my friends, but I couldn't hide it from my family. All I wanted to do was sleep and even after sleeping hours on end, I would be exhausted. I didn't want anything to do with my husband other than the day to day stuff. I just couldn't be a good mom, instead, I was just going through the motions. When I woke up, I literally counted the hours until I could sleep again. I was a terrible employee (and probably led to the reason I was picked to be laid off). I felt guilty. I felt guilty I wasn't being the type of mother you'd see on tv. I felt guilty I wasn't being a good wife. The house was a mess. The laundry wasn't getting done. I simply laid on the couch and passed the time, doing the minimal amount of things, until I could go to sleep again. I would daydream about dying and suicide. I would NEVER leave my children, but I thought how much easier it would be if I was no longer around.
About 2 months ago, Tom confronted me. He asked me if I still loved him. I burst out in tears. I finally opened up about how I was feeling and he sat and listened. He held me. He told me he loved me and he would support me anyway he could. I asked him if he thought I should go see a psychiatrist. He said if I wanted to, then yes, I should go. It was a bad night, all my guilt gushing out at once. I was puffy eyed from crying by the time it was over, but he understood.
It took a few weeks to get the referral and to get in for the initial consult, but I did it. I took a test and it showed in black and white that I was clincally depressed. Her diagnosis was really a form of PPD, brought on by hormones, but what probably happened in my case was my depression was triggered by the fertility medication. Looking back at it now seems so clear! It all added up. I did have PPD but it was from the hormones of the IF treatments themselves, not the hormones from having a baby. It's like a lightbulb went off and it all made sense.
I was put on the lowest dose of an anti depressent. The problem was I couldn't breastfeed. At 7 months, I weighed the aspect of getting better with the aspect of stopping breastfeeding early. I picked getting better. The medication is a class C of drugs and this is what it said about breastfeeding: "Excreted into milk can cause toxic effects on newborn such as vomiting, watery stool, irritability and decreased sleep. Unknown long-term effects on neurobehavior or development of infants exposed to drug." That's something I couldn't chance and I stopped breastfeeding for the time being, simply pumping and dumping until we knew if I would continue the medication long term.
Two to three weeks after I started the med, my life changed. Drastically. I'm back to my old self. My house is clean. I'm keeping on top of laundry and the cooking. I'm back being a wonderful mommy, doing the extra things like art projects and reading books, instead of just doing the minimum. I'm back to being interested in my husband. I'm back. It's amazing that such a little pill can help me be a better person, but it has. I could be the fucking poster child for the medication.
So. That leaves me no longer breastfeeding. And while that breaks my heart to a zillion pieces, being Nancy, Mommy, Wife and Friend is more important.
This picture was taken before I knew I'd have to stop breastfeeding and I'm so glad it was taken. It's one of the last nursing sessions I had with Karl. It makes me cry to know it's over, but I'm not torn up over wondering if I made the right decision or not. I know I did.
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