Thursday, March 13, 2008

What in the heck am I doing?

Sorry for the radio silence on my end of this blog. I'm in the midst of my IVF cycle, which I'm sure you already know, and work is kicking my ass. blah blah blah. I'm sure you all know the "i'm so busy" drill.

Right now I'm sitting in my home office watching the "injection training" video my IVF nurse instructed me to watch. In fact, she asked me to watch it "3 times" before my appointment tomorrow. So far, I'm not too sure why in the world I'm having to watch it now, as I've already been doing my own injections - including mixing. I've done both SQ and IM shots, so we'll see what's new. (update: nothing at all is new. Except the concept of the woman sitting/laying on the bed while the husband did all her meds and injections. ~That~ would be new to me.)

The kids have been "fighting" a little bit more lately. I don't know what it is - maybe it's the end of winter, maybe it's the hormones. Whatever it is, I seem to be on edge with them constantly. Always pushing each other just over the edge - always pushing me just to my edge. It's kind of humorous actually. I'm doing all I can to give them a sibling and they are doing everything they can to push the one they have now. It makes my head spin thinking of adding another to the brood. I am constantly asking myself "What in the hell am I doing?". Can I really handle another one? Will I be making their situation worse? Am I capable of giving another whole heart to another child?

My girls are good girls though. The "fighting" they are doing is nothing over the limits of normal 2 and 3 year olds. Most of it is "it's mine!" and "I want to do it" type stuff. And the good moments far outweigh all of the bad ones. I guess I'm just a little worried now that I'm where I'm at. There is nothing more I want to do than to give my girls the very best lives I can. I'm not saying I want to make it easy for them - as I honestly believe getting everything they want is not in their best interest. But I don't want to take anything away from them - namely my time nor love. I know I'm capable of loving another. And I know I'm capable of making more time in my crazy world. I can't help but be a little timid. My girls are my everything.


Jen said...

No matter how much you want another baby, you'll still worry over it all. But I know you'll do fine in the end. And sisters fight you know. My sister and I were always arguing growing up, but now were incredibly close.

Katherine said...

I constantly think the same thing, especially since my one and only is an insanely active 2 1/2 year old boy. How in the hell am I going to handle an infant (or God forbid, TWO infants) and still give him what he needs? But then when I think about NOT doing this, it just seems out of the question. IVF #2 is a done deal, and I want a BFP more than anything. I just have to believe I'll find my way, as I've done with everything else difficult in my life.

Kaci said...

Before Matthew was born, I knew we would eventually have 1-2 more children. When I got pregnant again so quickly, I had so many fears. I was more than a little timid, but it has all worked out (well ok, we're only into month 9, but so far it's worked out!).

I'm sure if you think back you probably had the same concerns when going from 1 to 2...and sure, they have their bad moments but think of all the good ones they have. Of course you can handle another! And they can too!

nancy said...

Kaci, I didn't have the same fears. I didn't know how much harder 2 was. And only now am I smack into the phase where they are fighting all the time. It's insane. That's really why I'm freaking out.

jamie said...

i think like you said it's just a phase, like teething or something else. once it goes away there will be another thing and then another. At least that is how i feel, i get used to one and then here it goes and in comes another. i am so happy for you and i am !sure! that you will be an awesome mom to three kids just as you are now with two. just a few more grey hairs and wrinkles. i will have a guiness on st pattys day for you!