Friday, January 25, 2008

In regards to my last post

I wanted to say a tad bit more to explain it to anyone who isn't stuggling with secondary infertility.

I received a comment that was totally understandable from someone who isn't a secondary IFer. And when I re-read my post, I could see how someone who wasn't fighting for a larger family could read it in a different light.

When I say my girls are "not enough", I do ~not~ mean that they don't fill up my heart the very brim everyday. As my children, they are enough. They are simply everything to me. I never ever look at them and think "eh, too bad you don't have a sibling, cause then I'd feel complete." No way! That's definitely not what I'm feeling nor what I meant by "they aren't enough".

They aren't enough to keep me from wanting more. Having these two beautiful little girls makes me want to fill the space even more. But just because I want another child, definitely doesn't mean I love what I have any less. On the contrary. Having 18 more children wouldn't make me love these girls any more or less. They fulfill my life more than I could have every imagined. I am so blessed and so lucky and so incredibly happy that I have these girls. As I type this, I look at their pictures that fill my office space and they make my heart soar.

If I never end up having another, I will only mourn for the child I had yearned for. I will not have to turn to what I have now and say "well, you guys will have to do" because they already are my everything. I simply wanted another one. And these two, perfect little beings, didn't take away my wanting to finish my family.

For anyone out there not struggling with secondary infertility - or for anyone out their not wanting a second (or more) child, please know that our want of another child doesn't mean the child(ren) we have are not enough.

My girls ~ARE~ enough.

They just don't keep me from wanting what I see as a hole in my family. And only in that very specific aspect, they aren't enough to tell my heart I shouldn't want more. I yearn for the next as much as I yearned for my first.


charmedgirl said...

you are very brave.

i am considering entering the world of secondary IF. only NOW do i understand it at all.

and the weirdest thing of all? i, i KNOW (well i think i know)...i would have handled a child-free life so much better than this. (i also know my situation is a little different, but hey.) in any case, i now know what i'm missing; i know exactly what i want and what i'm getting myself into, the good, bad, and ugly of it.

still, there's no way we could ever know what's worse, even being on both sides, even if we're just talking about ourselves in different scenarios.

in the end it's all just crap.

HopingDangerously said...

having to defend your devotion to and affection for your own children is one of the worst parts of s.i. just wanted to say both of the last two posts made perfect sense to me and i appreciate your honesty in writing them. frankly, you were a lot sweeter in writing this second one than i would have been! i heard someone once compare the "why aren't your kids (or kid) enough?" question asked often to s.i.ers to asking a "why isn't your husband/partner/significant other enough?" no one would ever do that, probably. in the same way that you love your younger daughter as much as you love your older daughter, you love the children you yearn for just as much but not more.

you are a very strong and beautiful person! thanks for writing.

Anonymous said...

I have never experienced the world of IF firsthand, so I cannot relate to that aspect of your post. But I can relate to wanting more. I have 3 children; they are my world. But I *know* I am not done yet. I don't know when we will be able to TTC again, but that day *will* come. And if, for whatever reason, I don't get the baby my heart desires, I know I will be in a world of pain. Even now it hurts when my kids ask "momma, when are you gonna have another baby?" and I have to tell them I just don't know. It hurts to see them ooh and ahh over the new babies in our family, knowing how perfectly one could fit into our lives. I don't WANT to waste another second, afraid that as they get older welcoming another baby will get harder. Not a day goes by that I think about adding to our family but I think I am making the right choice by waiting. Well, I *know* I am making the right choice, however much it hurts, and I can only pray that when it is finally my turn I don't have to wait even longer. Please know that this response wasn't intended to downplay your(or anyone else's) IF. I just wanted to relate to having that hole in your heart. ~hugs~

Stephanie said...

Struggle, in any form, is difficult. No, I have never struggled a day in my life with infertility or fertility for that matter, nor do I ever care to enter the world it entails.

Nancy and I go back many years. My post to her was not meant as a hurtful jab at her struggle, it was an honest question to which she gave an honest answer. Trust me, Nancy knows the difference between me being a bitch or me posting an honest heart felt question. Her children are beautiful babies who have played with my baby. As a mother I cannot help but reach out and look after another child, it is my nature.

The significance of me posting is something only Nanc could possibly understand. I was not looking to blast anyones sore spot, merely stating what to me was printed. Nanc, I know you love your girls, that was never in question. I was just saying that you do not talk of them like you once did and I have no problem being honest with you. I never have, nor have you with me.

Best of luck.


nancy said...

It's just because I'm infertility is such a life-taker-over. In my spare time, I talk a lot about infertility and I don't talk about my girls like I used to. IF wasn't part of my life back then (once I got over the initial bump) and I didn't want to think of it again. So when I blog, I blog about what is on my mind.

But ~me~, around me children, they have no idea IF is bothering me. I'm still the same mommy as I always was. They see no difference in between now and then.

I will, however, admit that my outside blogging life has taken over a different form. Where my children were all I had to talk about, now I have this big, ugly, monster. And it fills all the minutes that I am not with my children. And yup, it sucks. Once my life isn't swimming in IF - either I GET pregnant or I STOP trying, things I talk about will naturally gravitate back to these girls. :)

nancy said...

Oh - And I wasn't offended at all my Stephanie's comment. I totally understood it actually. And if anyone is reading this - she's not blowing smoke in her last comment. It wasn't to anyone dealing with IF, it was to me.

The only reason I posted it was just in case anyone else was reading it and may have thought the same.

Jenera said...

I can relate to it taking over a part of your mind completely. When I lost the baby in December it was all I could think about 24/7 and all I seemed to talk about. My blog became solely dedicated to miscarriage. Did I love my son any less? Or my husband? No. It was just that at that time my blog was my only outlet for what had happened to me.

Even if your blog IS solely dedicated to your IF struggles and pain, I have never had the impression that your feelings for your children-or anyone else for that matter-were even lessened because you have not been able to get pregnant.

I think some of your readers may be in the same position where it occupies their mind in such a way that when they read other people struggles, they are like "So? What about me?" type thing. Not because they are mean spirited but because they are hurting too.

Right after the miscarriage, I was surrounded by newly pregnant moms and I just wanted to scream because that was supposed to be me so I didn't want to hear anything related to pregnancy. It isn't because I'm mean it's just I was hurting at that time.

Anywho, I'm rambling. But I can understand both posts in some way or another about secondary IF even if I've never been through it.

Anonymous said...

You explained that really well. I had primary infertility AND already had a child (DP carried the 1st one). So I was already a mother, but desperately wanted to experience pg/birth/breastfeeding with my own body.