Thursday, December 13, 2007

random picture #2

Ella was 5 days old here and I was looking rough. (as bad as I look, this is my very favorite picture of all my pictures with ella.)

Although she was still in what I call the *newborn honeymoon, sleep deprivation of breastfeeding had started and I wasn't yet "used to it". I remember this picture being taken. My boob was leaking (see the spots on the shirt) and I was exhausted. I remember thinking I've never ever felt so tired. In all my years of partying and staying up for days, I never felt like this, because at the end of partying, you could pass out and sleep for 15 hours. And while I was feeling so physically terrible, I was overwhelmed with love. Just look at Ella - completely and totally content sleeping on me while listening to my heart beat.

And THIS is why my heart is breaking for number 3. I just can't get myself to understand I'll never feel this again. When my second was this small, I never was in the "I'll never feel this again" mind frame, because I just knew I would have another. Having an easy time ttc #2 after a taste of IF when ttc #1 put me in a false sense of security. I forgot that it was a crap shoot. I forgot that while most women can have babies and even more babies, some can't and won't. I didn't allow myself to feel that 'this may be the last time' emotions. If #3 never comes to me, I'll have to go through all of it all at once. And these pictures will be very painful for me to look at.

* Newborn Honeymoon: This is when new parents who don't know any better say "oh my god! I have such a good baby. All they do is sleep and only cry when they are hungry!". This is usually what each and every baby announcement email/letter/text/blog says. They think this is truly their new baby's temperament. And while some babies stay like that and are quiet little things and don't cry, that is the rare child. Most babies come out of the honeymoon phase after 1-2 weeks and show just how much they actually cry and scream. Which, in turn, scares the new parents because they already got themselves to believe their baby would stay like they were in the honeymoon phase.


Kaci said...

I think I "get" what you're saying about having #3 as much as I can without being in your shoes. I always said I wanted 2, but as soon as we found out we were pregnant with her I knew I wasn't "done" and we decided 3 would be good. I know I would mourn if I couldn't experience it all again.

Love the pic BTW. You actually look pretty good for a new mom, don't you think?

Anonymous said...

I totally know what you mean about paragraph #3. And I miss that "feeling" of a newborn. Although my issues of not having another baby aren't because of IF. More because we can't afford #2. I want each of my children to enjoy the same privileges as the other. Somehow, I just don't think that we will.

Wordgirl said...

Nancy, that is a beautiful photo of you both -- and a touching reflection. I normally steel myself against these ideas -- having never given birth to a child, and for years not really thinking much about the possibility even -- but you managed to capture in this post exactly the thing I wish for most.

I completely understand why you would want to have that again.