Boys and girls.

It's weird having a boy. I feel completely different about Karl than how I feel about my girls. I don't love any of them any less than one another, but ugh, I just can't explain it.

My mom had 3 boys before having a girl. When she had my sister, she noticed change in my dad. She said "Any man can be a father, but it takes a little girl to be a daddy".

And that's how I feel. When I tried to explain it to Tom, he just said that's how he feels about the girls.

It's funny actually. All men seem to want sons and all women seem to want daughters. And getting the opposite is really an eye opener. I thank God everyday to thank him for having a boy this time. I'd of never known if I had another girl.

Please don't be offended by this. If you only have girls or if you only have boys, I just can't explain the difference. And by NO means do I think women don't love their girls or Men don't love their boys any less. For ~me~, it's just different.

I applied for WIC today.

When I lost my job, we figured out our budget using unemployment as part of our pay. Due to that, we used quite a bit of my severance to pay off all of our debt. Since then, we found out, too late, that I don't qualify for unemployment until the end of our severance period. Everyone told me I could get it, so I really booked on using it. I still have a chunk of my severance pay, but its a lot less than I need. Ugh.

So I swallowed my pride and went down to the WIC office to apply. For a family of five, we are well in the qualification limits. Both Karl and Allison are covered. Getting help with formula, baby food, fruits, veggies, cheese, bread and cereal is really going to help. We're going to have to tighten our belts big time right now and I can genuinely say I need help financially. I shouldn't be on it longer than 3 months, but I'm going to take what I can get.

Has anyone else out there gone down for WIC? They really grilled me in questioning how I was feeding my children! Yet after all the questions, she complimented me and said I was doing everything right.

What a lifestyle change for me. I went from buying $500 handbags whenever I wanted to applying for WIC. Being jobless sucks.

7 things you don't know about me

I was nominated for the "Kreativ Award" from the beautiful Lisa. She is the mommy of two gorgeous little boys, twins Zachary and Nicolas and blogs at "Our Janidlo Clan".



Rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each


Hrm. Seven things you don't know about me. This is going to be hard.

1. I was a competitive gymnast for 9 years. I used to practice before school and after school, along with every weekend. Thank goodness I went through a growth spurt and got too lanky for gymnastics and could no longer stay a good gymnast. I got my childhood back!

2. I know every word to the movie "The Breakfast Club".

3. In 5th grade, I went to a school assembly for "DARE" and actually took mental notes of what drugs I wanted to try because they sounded fun. (yeah, that program totally didn't work for me!)

4. I played violin for 3 years in elementary school and was in the advanced group. I had NO IDEA how to read music and I faked every single concert. I would just watch the person in front of me and would copy their bow movements.

5. I was a good kid in Jr High and never ditched a class ever. The first time I ditched in high school, I took the side streets because I really thought there was truant officers out on the lookout for kids ditching class. I would hide whenever a car came down the road.

6. Once in high school, I was the bad girl. I was the one who would sneak in wine coolers to slumber parties. They'd always be warm because I would hide them under my bed. I would steal one or two from my parents and collect them to take with me to the next slumber party I went to. Then we would all take sips from the 2 or 3 I had collected and we'd pretend to get drunk.

7. I didn't get my period until I was 16 years old. Talk about late bloomer!


I'm nominating the following people for the Kreativ Blogger award (Why is it spelled Kreativ? I guess it ~is~ a creative way of spelling the word!) because I would love to see 7 things I don't know about them!

1. Shayna
2. Jenn
3. Laurel (aka Bay)
4. Jen
5. Jen
6. Jewels (private blog so I'm not linking to her, but I do want to see her answers!)
7. Julie (aka Jules)

Amazing.

Each and every one of you are amazing. I can't be luckier to have you all.

I must talk about something.

I am no longer breastfeeding. (this is ~not~ what this post is about. keep reading.)

Writing that sentance was the hardest thing I have ever written.

Due to all my surgeries post baby, Karl had more formula than my girls from the get go. I pumped and dumped a lot of milk and when I knew I was meds free, karl would still nurse like a champ. But due to pain meds from the 4 surgeries I had, I just didn't want him to injest too much of it and gave him enfamil formula.

I think breastfeeding is best. But I've always said I am not anti formula. I would say Karl got 85% breastmilk for the first 7 months. For my girls, they got 99.99% breastmilk until the one year mark. I was always so proud of it. And now, at 8 months old, Karl is 100% formula fed.

I haven't mentioned this because it's so private and although I don't hide much, there are some things I keep private, such as my marriage. That's just something for me and my husband - our personal thing I like to keep sacred. But maybe talking about it may help me deal with what's been going on.

About 5 weeks ago, I started taking anti depression medication. I've never had depression before in my life and I really didn't know I had it until my husband confronted me about it. It started around the time we got in the thick of things when trying to conceive Karl. I was depressed and I chalked it up to the ttc failures - all my surgeries, failures and disappointments. Once I got pregnant though, I didn't change much. Sure, I was thrilled to be pregnant, but I wasn't myself. I assumed it was because of all the scariness with having placenta accreta and the velamentous cord insertion. I figured knowing I could lose the baby at any moment was enough to make me sad and scared. Then I had Karl and all the trials of having a newborn were there. Karl was a great baby too, yet I still didn't "snap out of it". And due to the fact I felt this way long before I gave birth, it obviously wasn't post partum depression.

Many of you noticed the change in me. There were times I simply didn't post for days and days. And when I did post, it wasn't anything happy. I tried to fake it and I did a good job faking it to my friends, but I couldn't hide it from my family. All I wanted to do was sleep and even after sleeping hours on end, I would be exhausted. I didn't want anything to do with my husband other than the day to day stuff. I just couldn't be a good mom, instead, I was just going through the motions. When I woke up, I literally counted the hours until I could sleep again. I was a terrible employee (and probably led to the reason I was picked to be laid off). I felt guilty. I felt guilty I wasn't being the type of mother you'd see on tv. I felt guilty I wasn't being a good wife. The house was a mess. The laundry wasn't getting done. I simply laid on the couch and passed the time, doing the minimal amount of things, until I could go to sleep again. I would daydream about dying and suicide. I would NEVER leave my children, but I thought how much easier it would be if I was no longer around.

About 2 months ago, Tom confronted me. He asked me if I still loved him. I burst out in tears. I finally opened up about how I was feeling and he sat and listened. He held me. He told me he loved me and he would support me anyway he could. I asked him if he thought I should go see a psychiatrist. He said if I wanted to, then yes, I should go. It was a bad night, all my guilt gushing out at once. I was puffy eyed from crying by the time it was over, but he understood.

It took a few weeks to get the referral and to get in for the initial consult, but I did it. I took a test and it showed in black and white that I was clincally depressed. Her diagnosis was really a form of PPD, brought on by hormones, but what probably happened in my case was my depression was triggered by the fertility medication. Looking back at it now seems so clear! It all added up. I did have PPD but it was from the hormones of the IF treatments themselves, not the hormones from having a baby. It's like a lightbulb went off and it all made sense.

I was put on the lowest dose of an anti depressent. The problem was I couldn't breastfeed. At 7 months, I weighed the aspect of getting better with the aspect of stopping breastfeeding early. I picked getting better. The medication is a class C of drugs and this is what it said about breastfeeding: "Excreted into milk can cause toxic effects on newborn such as vomiting, watery stool, irritability and decreased sleep. Unknown long-term effects on neurobehavior or development of infants exposed to drug." That's something I couldn't chance and I stopped breastfeeding for the time being, simply pumping and dumping until we knew if I would continue the medication long term.

Two to three weeks after I started the med, my life changed. Drastically. I'm back to my old self. My house is clean. I'm keeping on top of laundry and the cooking. I'm back being a wonderful mommy, doing the extra things like art projects and reading books, instead of just doing the minimum. I'm back to being interested in my husband. I'm back. It's amazing that such a little pill can help me be a better person, but it has. I could be the fucking poster child for the medication.

So. That leaves me no longer breastfeeding. And while that breaks my heart to a zillion pieces, being Nancy, Mommy, Wife and Friend is more important.

This picture was taken before I knew I'd have to stop breastfeeding and I'm so glad it was taken. It's one of the last nursing sessions I had with Karl. It makes me cry to know it's over, but I'm not torn up over wondering if I made the right decision or not. I know I did.

The mesh chew feeder

Does any mommies of babies use the mesh feeder?

Karl LOVES his. I stuff it with things like cantaloupe, watermelon, banana - really any kind of fruit. He gets DOWN with his, chewing and sucking all of the fruit out of it.

The girls never got into theirs but it's a big hit with Karl. Just thought I'd share in case you wanted to try it!

I'm in love.

My heart ACHES from the love I have from Mr Karl. Literally aches. I love him so very much, I can't even imagine my life without him.

Oh boy, I'm in for it, aren't I?

A little bit on the last post ...

The thing I was bitching about yesterday (silently) had nothing to do with my other rant today. In fact, comparitively speaking, the thing about yesterday was teeny tiny compared to today's (again, on my other blog).

So, yeah. Just didn't want to get anyone confused there. I was just annoyed about something I do (and did) all the time. No biggie!

But thanks to eden who DID call me a motherfucking arsehole. :) That cracked me up.

Call me any name you wish.

I am a hypocrite. Plain and simple. A schnarky, bitchy hypocrite.

I've even too embarrassed to tell you what I am talking about. So just call me a name in my comments. Please. I deserve it.

Babyproofing. Or lack thereof.

I mentioned to Jenn the other day I needed to get on the ball for babyproofing. Then I realized, I don't babyproof. Sure, I don't have things out which could hurt my children if they got into it (glass, poisons, medicine), but other than that, I don't change anything in my house. I simply teach my children what they can and cannot touch.

The thing I like about not babyproofing is I can take my children to anyone's house or anyplace and I don't have to worry about them getting into things. I've seen some of my friends remove everything in reach of a child and I just think that's begging for future trouble, if not just a huge annoyance for their friends when they come for a visit.

My big issue now is teaching my girls to not have any small items (ie: barbie accessories) in the common area where Karl is allowed to roam free. I've decided to make their room off limits to Karl, allowing the girls to play freely without worry of a choking incident. I'm going to put a gate up in their doorway and that's the only gate I'll have in the house. I do have some locks on cabinets (my bathroom, the kitchen) but that's about it. Karl will just learn what he's allowed to get into and what he's not allowed to touch.

What about you? Do you babyproof?

We have movement!

Yes, yes. I'm going to call it. The boy can crawl.

It's so cool, I almost feel crafty.

I'm not crafty of course, but this made it easy.

You seriously have to check it out. At the crayola website, you can make your own "coloring book" using your own pictures. SO COOL.

You need a code, which is found inside of specially marked crayons, but I have a code that will work to print out the pages for the first 24 hours after you sign up.
~ Go to crayola.com/colorme
~ sign up and enter code PR24QCHT (I got it from parenting magazine.)

I uploaded TONS of pictures and the program "drained" all the color from them. Then I printed them so my girls can have their own coloring pages of themselves to color!

Seriously, I don't post many things like this because, well, I just don't. But this was too cool to not share. Let me know if you do it and tell me how you liked it!

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' (part 2)

My immobile baby boy has spontaneously found he doesn't need to ~crawl~ to get somewhere, he just needs to ROLL! Heck, crawling is for sissies!

Heh. Over the past 6+ years (~gasp~!) on the ttc/preg/parenting boards and blogs, I have heard the stories of many babies who will roll to get places, but my girls never did it. They both crawled by/at 8 months and walked by 12 months. But Karl, oh my dear little karl, wanted to show me how the old adage "every baby is different", still holds true.

He is also starting a bit of the army crawl, but can't make it more than just a few inches until he gets frustrated and simply rolls to where he wants get. He can, however, spin on his belly in full circles.

I'm getting a bit sad on him growing up. I was carrying him this morning and realized that he is freaking HEAVY. Per the home scale, he's 18.5 lbs!!! Woot!

(during the weigh-in, it hit me just how much extra weight we moms gain really is. I gained 50 lbs with the each girl and what? Jeez, I can't remember now. 25-30 pounds I think. Well, my gosh. That's ~a lot~ of weight. I can't believe that I had a few "karls" in extra pounds on me. In fact, with the girls, I had an Allison ~and~ a karl in extra fat/fluids on me! Wow. Really puts extra weight in perspective.)

Anywho, back to what I was saying. Karl is growing up. He turned 8 months old yesterday. And just for my own records (will be boring for anyone else to read), here is a little list of things he does right now and has been doing ...

~ Rolls to get places.
~ Army crawls a few inches.
~ Spins on his belly.
~ Says the constanants dddaaadddaaadddaa and maaammaammaa (but not saying any of those actual words) and he "sings" to himself.
~ Puts his arms up to be picked up.
~ He's starting to want mommy over anyone else. He used to put his arms out for anyone, but if I am holding him, he sometimes won't want to go to someone else, actually holding onto me tighter. I'm sure this is due to me being a SAHM and having me most of the time as his sole caretaker.
~ Graduated to the big bathtub using his bath ring. He's been using it for awhile, but I can simply sit in the bathroom now without holding him at all.
~ Will NOT lay still for diaper changes.
~ Pulls himself up to his knees in his crib. Has not pulled himself up to his feet yet on any stationary object (but will do so holding onto mommy or daddy)
~ Eats biter biscuits, wagon wheels and yogurt melts. Starting to make his food chunkier too. LOVES carrots, sweet potatoes, squash and all fruits. He also his enjoying his mesh feeder, cantaloupe and grapes are among his favorite foods to chew on.
~ Sleeps 11-12 hours straight at night still. 7:30p-7a seems to be his most common pattern. Will sometimes wake up early (5-6a) to nurse, but he'll go right back down.
~ As like his sisters, he also goes to bed very easily (knock on wood) in his crib. When it's bedtime, I can simply lay him down in his crib, wide awake. He'll cry sometimes, but it doesn't last more than a few minutes.
~ Loves his excersaucer, jumper and walker. He can MOVE in the walker!

They wear you down.

My husband just said that to me in reference to the girls. "It's like they are giving you body blows all day, just wearing you down. Until nighttime comes and you just give up."

And that's how I feel too.

Having these two girls so close together was certainly a blessing. And a curse. Maybe it's the give and take. I was able to conceive both of them within 16 months of eachother and that was the give. The take is I get to deal with two little girls 16 months apart.

Is it just ~my~ girls who fight tooth and nail? Julie, what about E & C? Do they fight constantly?

Now, don't get me wrong, my kids are well behaved children in public. But at home when they are playing together, I have to break it up ALL the time. Ella's got the mouth and Allie's got the brute force. One of these days Allie is going to straight punch ella in the face. (And I won't blame her!)

Do you all need to knock on wood?

Or am I just the worst mother on the planet who allows her little ones to choke on random things? Or is there going to be at least one of you who says "Damn it. I shouldn't of said 'it doesn't happen to us' when I commented on Nancy's blog right after your own scarier then hell choking? So lets all just knock on wood and make the karma gods happy.

(Jenn, thanks for sharing your story about what your husband allowed to happen, it wasn't your fault. Or was it your fault for letting him have full power? Heh. ~wink~)

Which leads me into a story about Uncle Glenn. Uncle Glenn is a friend of mine and I once tried to get him to blog. He's SO fucking funny, but maybe just not funny to everyone. I'm part of the small minority whom things he's funny, but I hope I'm not the only member. I liked to his haven't-blogged-since-january blog anyway so you can get a feel for the guy if you choose to check him out.

So he visits at a time I'm pregnant with Allie and Ella is learning to crawl. I need to get something done so I ask glenn if he can watch the baby for a moment. "Sure!" he says which taking another bite of his cereal as he's standing in front of the tv watching The Wiggles.

I come back in less than 2 minutes and. Glenn is still watching wiggles and eating cereal in standing position. "Where is she?" I ask. And he says, "She couldn't of gotten far!"

I find her within second, in the back room, eating cat food. Yes, a 2 minute babysitting job turned into my child chowing down on some kitty nibble. Thanks Uncle Glenn, but your fired! (I have a sneaking suspicion that he just really tried to screw up if first "job" so he could guarantee never being asked for a second. Smart man.)

Here are some pictures of at least the last two (Ella being in school all day means missing out on all these pictures).

We go on walks with the little stroller and allie likes to play mommy.



Karl's mohawk. Everytime I brush his hair, I brush it to stick up. Oh yes, His hair will be trained to be a mohawk.



And this is what your already healing toe would look like if you kicked the hard little shoe of a little kid in front of you who decided to stop mid pace. It's awesome.

Chewing and Choking.

With growing babies comes new foods to chew.

Karl has been eating biter biscuits for well over a month now, maybe two. I'm also starting to make his pureed fruits/veggies a little chunky. And he's been eating many of the Gerber brand 'graduates' foods like wagon wheels, puffs and melts. (have you seen the melts yet? omg, they rule for the new eater).

Well.

If you haven't experienced your new eater choking on something, you will. And when it happens, it scares the absolute crap out of you.

With Ella, it was when I was in the other room (of course) and hubby's mom decided that letting her chew on an eaten chicken leg bone would be okay. (I can't even give you a reason why she may have thought this nothing but a horrible idea.) And I suddenly hear hubby yell out "NANCY!".

I run to the kitchen to find my daughter blue and choking. I reach my finger in and feel something back there, but I didn't want to shove it down her throat, so I pick her up and smack her on the upper back. Out comes the grisle end of the chicken bone. Ella pinks up. Crisis adverted.

Allison ate her infamous penny a few months ago and we took the magical $300 ride in an ambulance.

Karl had his first real choking fit on Friday.

The weird thing is, I don't even know WTF he choked on. I took Allie and Karl on errands and we stopped for lunch. Karl was sitting in his car seat carrier next to me, chewing on ~his~ toys. Nothing was near him. I hear him choke and look at him - he's red and turning purple. I do the careful reach in and dislodge something in which he then swallows. As fast as it happens, it's over. He continues chewing on his teether.

I never want to feel that scared again.

Except I know I will. Lame.

What happened to my kid?

Staying at home has proven to be quite a task for me. And quite a task for Allison.

Being 16 months apart from her sister Ella, she's never been alone. She's been separated from Ella before, due to being in different classrooms at school, but never alone. Karl is here of course, but he's not quite the playmate yet.

I see a different person in Allison than I've been used to. What a difference. Usually she is doing everything possible to make Ella happy (Ella is a ~bossy~ little girl) and now I see her asserting her independence. It's a goood thing.

She's having a lot of difficulty in keeping herself busy though. I find she just tries to follow me around no matter what I'm doing. She simply doesn't know how to play by herself. While I'm trying to spend quality mommy/allie time, I also am allowing her free time to amuse herself. I hope she is able to figure it out.