I got a letter from each of my children!

It was my first letter from them. And it warmed my heart so much.

As I'm going through my mail, I see the 2 envelopes I sent with them addressed to "Mommy". One from Ella. One from Allison.

I sent the envelopes with them and told them they can send me pictures in the mail and the mailman would bring it to me. They were stoked to be able to utilize the mailman, but I wasn't sure I'd actually get anything. But I did and I'm so glad.

I'm going to color some pictures tonight and get it off in the mail. Due to the 1st, they should still get it by Friday.

The kids are away, so mommy shall play clean.

I just spent 7 1/2 hours cleaning the kids room. And when I mean clean, I mean take out every single loose item, making huge pile in the living room, and making order out of everything. I find parts to all items w/ parts. I toss lame happy meal toys and other such cheap things. I pack away toys and animals the kids like, but aren't playing with just now. I'll take all that back out at a later date. I also got a huge bag of toys together for goodwill.

Whew. Everything is perfect. Everything has it's place and all it's part: closets, boxes, under beds, toy chests, drawers, everything. I'm tired, since it's 3am, but wanted to post a bajillion pictures of the kids' room.

Here is looking straight in from the doorway. That's the new Barbie Diamond Castle you see.


Now I turn a little, and you can see how I have toys stored along the wall.


Turn more and you can see their dresser, quilt rack and Peter Pan the Tortoise's house on top. We had him in other room and now I don't know what to do with him.


A few little boxes on the wall to hold their nick knacks and the beginning of their bed.


The bunk bed in all it's glory.


The weird hammock I have hanging from the ceiling over Ella's bed. They simply have too many stuffed animals. And I take bags and bags over to storage.


The space at the end of the bed is taken up by the dress up box. The Dora House is next to it too. As is the hanging ballerina bow holder. (you can see the other one for allison hanging above the hamper in picture 4)


All the way around now. Fun shot of the bathroom. Look close and you can see my belly in the mirror.


Closeup of Allison's bed. (see the aquarium? These were in their cribs when they were born. Still, every single night, they push the button to watch their fishies as they go to sleep.)


Closeup of Ella's bed. (Margelina, the book rack is PBKs)


Closeup of weird hammock thing. But it works!


Closeup of Dora toy boxes for all their small toys.


I added a tub for baby dolls only.


Another tub for the animals:


Their table/chairs:


Play kitchen and small bookshelf for bigger toys.


The storage boxes that fit perfectly under the bed. Each one has it's own organized contents.


This shows the little basket for tiny stuffed animals.


This one shows the quilt rack and the things I save for the girls - bronzed shoes, flowers they got at birth, hand prints in clay, special mementos.


And finally, the other small shelf which has their names in wooden letters on it and then their newborn pictures above it.



Whew. I'm really tired. It's 3:38am. Time to pass out.

post note - I am reading this 7 hours laters and it was so chock-full of spelling mistakes and "wtf was I saying?" mistakes too. Apparently proof reading and spell check don't function at 3:30am.

Because I miss them

Here is Ella putting on her favorite ornament (which is an old tinkerbell):


Daddy helping Allison put on her music box ornament:


Erg. I miss them.

What's that? Nothing you say? NOTHING? (updated)

I'm sitting here alone. ALONE. As in no one around. My husband just ran out for a moment, but he'll be back. My children, on the other hand, are gone for a week.

My inlaws took them for an entire week and I honestly don't know how to feel about it. I welcome the break. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I'm starting to have high blood pressure. Being able to rest for a full week will be nice. I'll still work and all that, but coming home to have to do absolutely nothing? It's going to be strange.

I'm going to miss them. They've been gone for an hour and I already miss them. Because I'm a working mom, my evening and weekends mean everything to me. I've quite often accidentally-on-purpose woken them up from their naps just so I get to have more wake-time with them. And yeah, they drive me crazy much of the time, but no matter how they are acting - they are my heart and soul. Just because I have a big bruise on my leg which hurts so bad it throbs, I still want my leg with me at all times.

Ella, my little blonde drama queen, don't grow up too fast in the next week. It's all happening too fast and I'm afraid to blink enough as it is.


Allie, my beautiful girlie girl, mommy is going to miss your morning time cuddles. Can you save them up for me so I can still have them when you get home?



updated: The girls just called me when they got to Grandma and Papa's house. Allie spent maybe 15 seconds telling me she loved me all the way to outer space and to a black hole. Then Ella told me she was drawing me pictures and would mail them to me. (I gave her a stamped envelope to mail me the picture she was drawing for me when she left.) She said "The mailman didn't come today and he won't come tomorrow. But the next day he will come and then I will mail you the picture. I am not done yet but I will have plenty of time. Time to watch Barbie and the Diamond Castle. Bye mommy! I love you. I miss you."

Good lord. She's only 4.

Question for those with little girls ...

When your daughter(s) pretend play, do they use a play voice too?

Both my girls use this pretend voice that is something like 187 octaves higher than their normal voice. It was Ella who used it first, so I don't know if Allie just picked it up from her, or if it's a normal girl thing to do.

Holy crap it's annoying. That voice is just ~so~ high. Wondering if I'm the only one who gets to enjoy it.

On the last day of christmas ...

... my youngest gave to me, a violent case of puking on me.

Allison is sick. She threw up twice during the night when Tom let me sleep (right through it) and then again at 645am. And then again. And then again. And then again. And then again.

And then, as I feel asleep on the couch watching A Christmas Story with Allie-ballie nestled into my neck as she slept, she woke up gurgling and WHAM! A full chest of puke again. So much it pooled in my bra. Awesome. Thank goodness I took precaution and lined the couch with a plastic table cloth underneath a blanket, so I let the rest just pool on the blanket we were laying on as I held her up.

I took her into the bathtub along with me and let her just kind of lay against me as the warm water cleaned us both. She's actually playing a bit now with her new mermaid barbie, still in the tub. She seems fine for a few after she pukes, she just can't hold anything down. It had been a few hours since the last puking session, so she had some water, a few bites of toast, applesauce and then topped off with some 7-up. Except there was no mistaking that Swedish fish in there too - don't know how she snuck that one by me.

Lots of laundry to do and visions of puking to get out of my head. Hope you all are having a good day!

The best.

I love when I'm already awake when the girls wake up. Not that it happens often, as they wake up at 7am, but it does happen.

They are just in that sleepy, cuddly mode and I get to just sit down and have two girls on my lap cuddling with me. Their morning breath doesn't even bother me. They cuddle me, I cuddle them. And then Karl kicks whomever is on my left side.

Can life be any better for me right now?

I know we all have reasons for being blessed. Not having children yet doesn't mean you are not blessed. It just means that something else is what makes your heart warm right now. For me, it's this early morning love.

Forgive my sappiness.

What's the harm in television?

I was a latch-key kid growing up and I was raised by the glow of the television. But I was a very active kid and when I could go out and play - I did. I don't think I ever ~choose~ television over active play.

So when I need to occupy the kid's, I let them watch cartoons. Yeah, yeah, I hear all the negative things about it, but it's not like I'm letting them watch porn and Saw III.

And then I realized it.

Ella runs to me while I'm in the shower with almost a panic. "Mommy! Mommy!"

"What?!" as I throw open the shower curtain.

"The t.v. says you have to buy [this] NOW!!! You have to get out and CALL NOW!"

Ahhh. The commercial watching has started :)

Do gypsies still buy children?

When I get overly frustrated with my girls, I give the dead-ass-serious empty threat of "I swear girls, I'm going to sell you to the gypsies". Sadly, I have no idea where to find a gypsy.

It's funny when I say it in public and someone overhears me - they look at me like I'm the most terrible mother in the world. Yet other mothers call their kids names, pull on their arms, push them and hit them in public. But ~I~ am the bad one for threatening some gypsy selling.

My kids are actually quite well behaved. I am a disciplinarian and they know there are consequences. Sure, they are kids and they act up now and again, but you'll never have to roll your eyes at us in some public place. I've had to walk out of two places so far due to the kids' behavior, but two times in almost 5 years? Not too shabby.

It AMAZES me how some parents let their kids go wild in stores/restaurants. It's not the ones who just allow it to happen and turn a blind eye, they simply are letting their kids act that way. It's the ones who actually seem to ~try~ to get them to behave and the kids refuse - those are the families that blow my mind.

I was at pottery barn kids yesterday and a little boy around 3 (with a pacifier in his mouth) just took off from her. She called for him to stop but he just kept going. She took off after him and after catching him at the back of the store, she picked him up and said in a sweet sing-song voice "say sorry to mommy!". Whoa. My kid takes off running? All I would have to do is say their name ~one~ time and they'll stop.

~Shrug~. To each their own I guess. I'll raise my kids how I raise them and other parents have the right to do the same. It just sucks that the "bad" parents (in the area of constructive discipline) ends up annoying everyone around them because they don't put the energy into teaching their children the right and wrong way to act in public.

"Can you wipe me???"

How old is the average kid who can wipe their own butt? (Proficiently.)

When I became a mom, I knew about diapers, but I never ever put in any thought past being potty trained. I ~never~ thought for a second about the added years of butt wiping I still had to do.

When does it end? Ella will be in kindergarten in 9 months, so I'm sure it'll be by then, right? Or do they just half-assed wipe while at school and still ask at home? I have already started teaching her, of course, and she at least has to give it a go, but she's not really good at it yet.

Yet another chapter missing from the "what to expect" books.

Maternity & Family pictures

I don't think there is anyone who reads this blog but not my other blog, but just in case, click HERE to see the pictures from our maternity photo shoot.

The first part isn't necessary to read if coming from here, so just scroll down for the pictures.

Let's talk about bad words (again)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The First Hair Cut!

Yes, I make very bald babies. Ella, my blonde haired mini-me, ~started~ to grow hair at 2. Allie? Yeah - bald at 2. You know, maybe I'm totally lying here. I just went back and looked at pictures and both kids had that little tufts of hair at 2. But at 3, Ella's hair was definitely longer than Allie at 3.

Regardless, Allie just had her first haircut. Ella? This was her 2nd haircut. First in a salon though - in fact, I took them to see ~my~ stylist (who was appalled at how badly my hair looks like right now. Appointment is set for the 17th.) so they both got the treatment. Oh yeah - Wash, condition, massage, cut, blowout and style. They freaking loved it! Here is the proof...

Allie getting her wash:


All ready for the cut:


Blowout!


Now it was Ella's turn. The first cut was done at one of those kid's places and they sucked royal monkey ass. It was all gimmick, no talent. So, my guy is showing me just how much he's going to have to cut to fix it:


She was terrified here. I could see it in her face how scared she was. But she wanted to show how brave she was trying to be, so we got this fake smile. Awww, my little sweetpea. I spent the rest of the time after the picture holding her hands and telling her what a brave girl she was!


Here she is in mid-cut. She loved the cape. Seriously.



I don't know why I didn't take after pictures. They were twirling around in the salon, letting their hair fly. Oy vey. They liked it a little too much. Looks like I may have little girls who like a nice salon experience instead of a fast and cheap cut. Ah well, at least it's something I totally agree with as a necessary expenditure! (It was cheap anywho - only $15/kid. If I got it done? $40. Cut/color? $130. ugh.)

How much junk mail do ~you~ get?

Every now and again, a company will do something that I just think is great. And as you know, I'm not a reviewing blog or anything of the like, but I wanted to tell you about another cool company. I told you about MommyTags the other day, but this site helps the Earth. Oh, and you too (directly).

It's a site called GreenDimes. Have you heard of it? You can get a free account ~or~ a paid account. The differences between the two is with the paid service, they do all the work for you and with the free account, they give you the instructions. (Personally, I picked the paid service, but I don't have a lot of free time.)

What they do is reduce your junk mail. I signed up at the end of August and I have already seen a ~huge~ reduction in my mailbox. I don't get any of the advertisements like that blue envelope "valupak", "pre-approved" credit applications, insurance, grocery store circulars, etc. BUT, the best thing is, if I ~wanted~ any of these types of advertisement, say I really like the grocery store circulars, I can opt to remain on the list. I personally don't want anything in the mail, so I chose to opt to remove my name from all the national lists.

The second ULTRA cool thing is how they deal with catalogs. I was confused at first, thinking they would stop everything and I had to tell them which ones I wanted to keep. I thought that would be hard, as I didn't know what ones I wanted off hand. But I had it all backwards. When I receive a catalog I do not want, I simply login to my account and click the "select catalog" button. They have virtually every catalog in their database (if they don't, you can submit it to be added) and you simply click "add". Voila! They take care of the rest. (well, that's with the paid account. I think with the basic account, they'll give you the instructions on who to contact to remove your name.) Since I have started adding in catalogs on 10/09/08, I have removed myself from 59 catalogs. FIFTY NINE!!! I had no idea I even got that many.

What ~I~ do is when I get the mail, I take all the catalogs (lots since it's xmas season) and put them on my desk next to my computer. The next time I sit down, I simply take the ones I don't want to receive again and use that as my "to do" list. I hop on the website and add them as I go. It's SO easy. SO EASY. If there is a catalog I want to keep recieving, I just don't add it. Oh - and if you want to get back ON the catalog list for any reason, just click on the "Cancel Opt-Out" link and you'll get it again.

Another bonus with the paid service is I can have multiple housebold names under my one account. If I get a catalog in under my husband's name or my maiden name, I just have to select that name from my pull down list (I can add as many as I want for my address). They also take care of anything delivered to "occupant" or "resident". The other bonuses to the paid service is: Automatic Removal (I've already spoken to this, but there are some places that make you send in written requests. GreenDimes will mail you a stamped postcard to sign and all you have to do is pop it in the mail.), Monthly Monitoring (continual monitoring of your name on junk mail lists), Unlimited Household name, 5 trees planted and 24/7 Customer Service (Not that it's hard to figure out, but when you do have a question, they get back to you immediately. And they are super nice too).

The paid service costs $20 and the free service is free. Actually, THEY PAY YOU $1 for signing up! When you click on "sign up", the first thing you get to pick is what you want done with your dollar. You can choose to have a tree planted for it. You can choose to get a free issue of Plenty Magazine. Or you can choose to have the $1 mailed to you. Pretty freaking cool, eh?



As you can see, I have added a text link above and a button below. You can click on either to start the sign up process. And, if you can't do it today, I put in a button on my sidebar for you to come back to later.

The nursery is really done now.

I had the nursery pretty much done a few weeks ago, but I knew I wanted to add in a full size bed. So after buying a bed and another purchase at Pottery Barn Kids, I'm done. (okay, still not quite true, as we're waiting for the rest of the orange curtains to be in stock, but that's a minor issue.)

Here you can see the completed bed in a few different shots. I don't really like the dust ruffle, but it's hard to find a color that matched. So until then, I'm sticking with plain ole white.


There isn't too much room left between the end of the bed and the crib/shelf, but this space really isn't needed to be big. I think it's just fine. And since I'm not lucky enough to have a large sized room like so many nursery pictures I see around the blog world, I have to make due, right?


Here is a close up of the throw rug. It matches just so well. The part you can't see is where the stripes turn dark blue, matching the comforter perfectly.


Nothing has changed on the crib, but hell, I just like it enough to show it again.


I'm not big on stuffed animals. In fact, I'm actually quite against them. Kids simply get ~too many~. I have packed up bags and bags (the large lawn bags too) of stuffed animals and stuck in storage. They have so many, they didn't even notice! However, I think every kid should have a few. These are the ones I've gotten Karl so far. I'm so lucky to have found the perfect colored orange ones.


Here is the swing. It's just being stored here right now, as it'll move out into the living room eventually. The only thing I don't like about it is the color, but the darker colored ones weren't this soft. And I am a believer in the swings that swing both ways. Ella liked to be swung side to side, Allison front to back. Swings are worth their weight in gold to me.


The first of the punk posters we are leaving in his room is from a Shellac and Fugazi show Tom and I road tripped it to Chicago to see.


I had this one before I met Tom, but it's so cute, it's almost made for a nursery.


Okay, except for maybe one little part of the poster. ~wink~


Last week I was packing up all the halloween decorations we had just stuck in the garage and I told Tom there was still a skull in the baby's room. Off he went to get it. A moment later he returned empty handed and said "I vote to keep it in his room." I just had to laugh because as I sent Tom off to go get it, I had the same thought. The skull has since picked up an accessory.


This is me looking pretty fucking hot tonight. I love not only the no makeup look, but also the ridiculous nightgown, crazy hair and the dark circles under my eyes from getting zero sleep lately.

The perfect Christmas gift ...

... for almost anyone. I don't know if anyone reads this blog but not my other one, but just in case you don't read my infertility and pregnancy blog, check it out today. I reviewed the coolest gift for just about anyone!

Here, I'll make it easy for you. Click HERE.

New Pictures

I'm trying to keep up with our online photo album, so I already have our Thanksgiving holiday pictures posted here.

And, like always, they are only my favorite pictures, complete with commentary. Just follow the links to the photo album and then "November". Or just follow the "updated" links.

This is too much for my other blog.

I wanted to talk about infertility and pregnancy things I normally would talk about on my infertility/pregnancy blog, but it's just too much to put there. I'm putting it here because my readers who read this blog are already "in for" me talking about family, so it shouldn't surprise anyone. I'm sure anyone stuck in the depths of ttc aren't even reading my if/preg blog right now due to the pregnancy, but even if they are, they are surely not reading ~this~ blog if the pregnancy is too much for them.

There is always a fine line I try to walk on my IF blog. Of course it's known I'm pregnant and I don't give warnings or whatnot, but then again, I don't want to "rub it in" either. Ugh. Stuck in between those rocks and hard places.

Anywho ...

My BFF told me one time that I am "the happiest pregnant girl" she's ever met. I honestly ~love~ being pregnant. Of course I still have the complaints about the aches and pains, but those are so minor compared to how I love everything else. I'm the one who loves to show my belly, never wearing any loose clothing. I always choose tight shirts and empire wasted dresses, so my belly shows as much as possible, I don't hide it underneath loose clothing. I ~love~ it if someone touches my belly. I love having someone sit next to me with their hands/eyes on my belly waiting for the baby to move. I love when people ask me about the belly. I love feeling everything I feel.

Then, on the other hand, going through the somewhat "minor" infertility myself and watching what others have gone through (and continue to go through) changes some things. While I am not changing the way I dress, I am changing the way I act in public. I try to be aware of my belly touching and unnecessary belly talk if I'm not asked first. I'm still out there, but I'm different from how I was way back in the beginning.

With my first, I went through 18 months of ttc before I got pregnant. I was only on the "regular" ttc boards then, never dipping into treatment or loss boards. I didn't blog back then either, so I never "got it" back then. The only thing I knew of was it took longer than usual for us to get pregnant. Yeah, I was diagnosed with "mild endo" and had a laproscopic surgery to clean it all off my girlie organs. I took clomid for one or two cycles. I was planning on an IUI cycle - actually, the cycle I got pregnant on was supposed to be our first IUI, but I didn't understand the timing yet. I didn't know we needed cd3 bloodwork/baseline ultrasound, so when I called in on cd4/5, my RE's office told me how I missed the window. I scheduled it for the next month and just went on with that month as a "TAB" cycle and to my surprise, I ended up pregnant. I was so surprised, I didn't even POAS until 17dpo or so.

To really show you how much I didn't "get it", check this out ... I called the RE to tell them of the +hpt and they told me they wanted me to come in for a blood test. My reaction? I declined, saying I didn't need one, as my hpt told me I was pregnant. I was actually a little pissed off at them, thinking they were just trying to make some more money off of me by performing an "unnecessary" test. Why would I need a blood test to tell me what my grocery store hpt already told me? Heh. I was ~clueless~. I knew nothing of doubling hcg numbers. I knew nothing of early ultrasounds. I was fine when I found I wasn't going to be seen by an OB until 8 weeks. I was fine in learning my first ultrasound would be at 20 weeks. To me, I thought bfp=baby.

Although I knew I was lucky, as those 18 months were tough for me, I didn't have the compassion for IF like I do now. When I got pregnant with my second, I was terrible because I got pregnant on my first month trying. I just figured my minor infertility was a fluke. I was one of those ultra-annoying girls to announce my BFP 4 weeks after getting my first ttc AF. (I was on the board for 2 months because the first month was just me being excited about ttc the next month and I checked for ovulation, but we had protected sex that first month.). I even seem to remember my TITLE of my bfp post was "~BFP~BFP~BFP~BFP~" or something as equally as irritating. The boards hadn't evolved into using the "trigs" ruling yet, but still. How fucking callous of me. I'm so embarrassed now.

With my ttc journey for #3, I found out what infertility really means. Not that I was infertile, hell, I had 2 babies and I'm carrying the 3rd, but I had some problems which earned me the title of a technical "infertile". I do think there are two distinct "infertility" definitions people use. The definition I'm using is I could not get pregnant without medical intervention, not that I can't get pregnant/carry a child to term at all. But honestly, I think most girls who are actively ttc use the former definition too because if they used the latter, they wouldn't be ttc.

I was recently told my only "infertility" issue was due to my age and I only did IVF/FET because I was "impatient". How I wish that were true. While I was impatient, as our window was closing soon, I unquestionably had some issues far beyond "age" issues. My infertility was defined by the following:

~ I was diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome - my uterus was 70% sealed shut with scar tissue. I needed 3 uterine surgeries to open it up. Without surgery, I could ~not~ carry a child. If I did happen to have successful implantation, I would have a 100% risk of miscarriage.

~ I was diagnosed with LUF Syndrome - which meant I grew follicles like normal and even had an LH surge, but my follicles would not let go of the eggs. Instead, the presence of LH grew my follicles to enormous proportions, turning into painful 7-10cm functional cysts. They would shrink on their own once my next cycle started, but I was completely incapable of getting pregnant due to I was ~not~ ovulating. There was an easy fix, thank goodness, which was triggering ovulation with HCG, which would force my follicle(s) to release the egg(s). But without the trigger, I was the worst definition of infertile for that cycle - there was 0% chance of pregnancy.

~ I still had mild endo, as my doc did clean me up when he was in there for each surgery. This didn't deem me "infertile", but endo does have a negative effect on fertility.

~ My lining suffered due to the scar tissue and surgeries. With all the high tech meds thrown at me, I never even made it over 7mm. Another issue which had a negative effect on my fertility.

~ I have never seen fertile cervical mucus in my life, my RE said this may have been my issue with my first. I may have had other issues, like the LUF syndrome, but that was unknown. I did know I never had EWCM, which yup, you guessed it, yet another issue which negatively effected my fertility.

So, after all the surgeries to get my oven in working condition, we went to IVF and then a FET cycle. I probably didn't ~need~ this course of treatment to conceive, as once we got through my uterine anomalies, I may have been able to conceive with lesser treatments (knowing I'd still need the hcg trigger to ovulate due to LUF and some pre~seed to help the soldiers get to the egg due to the absence of fertile cervical mucus). We pulled out the big guns nevertheless because of our age. We weren't going to ttc past age 36, so we were going to do everything we could for those last 6 months to increase our chances. We simply didn't have the time to let nature take it's course.

During my 20 months ttc#3, I found Mel's blog and dove deep into the community. I found out how fucking lucky I really was. How my story, although hard for me to go through, was SHIT comparatively speaking. I'm not going to compare the pain of infertility, because I truly believe each person feels just as much pain with a failed cycle no matter what kind of position they are in. But what I could compare was I ~am~ really lucky my story had a happy ending. I did not go through failed IVF after failed IVF. We are not hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. We did not go through the pain of a failed adoption. We have not gone through the pain of a miscarriage. Sure, I spent 39 cycles ttc, but I conceived three times, only seeing a BFN 36 times. Yes we've spent thousands of dollars, probably close to $10,000, but that's really not a lot. Yup, I've gone through many painful surgeries and many many many treatment cycles, but I have two children and another one about to make an entrance in under 2 months. I've put my time in, but my sentence wasn't much more than a slap on the hand.

However, I end up still rolling my eyes at the girl who went through 14 cycles and got pregnant on her 2nd clomid cycle (making that up, if it fits anyone who is reading, it was purely a coincidence) and defines herself as "getting pregnant w/ treatment after infertility". But then again, to her, that was still hard to go through. Just because she didn't have surgeries and didn't have to jab herself with drugs everyday and didn't have to spend thousands of dollars doesn't mean it ~wasn't~ hard for HER. I try to keep it all in perspective and remember how hard it was for me when I was ttc#1. How painful it was for me in my piddly 18 cycles. How much I cried. How I was full of disappointment and I barely even scratched the surface of "infertility". I don't think you have to have the worst story out there to get support, as everyone deserves compassion.

Back to me loving my pregnancy. I think the knowledge I gained from the infertility blogworld has made this pregnancy even better because I know what I have, but I'm also much more humbled. My blog would be shitting out rainbows and puppydogs on a daily basis if I didn't know of all of the girls I've met. And while my brain is still swimming in the joy and happiness that is my growing belly, I finally know better than to push it out into the general public like I did before.

This is my last pregnancy. I'm going to miss the feeling so very much. When I was ttc#3, I was heart broken over the fact I may not feel it again. When I was pregnant with Allison, I just "knew" I'd be pregnant again, so I never let myself feel the "this is the last time" things. And when we struggled for #3, I kicked myself for being so dumb to assume I'd have another pregnancy. I knew I would be able to handle the fact I'd "only" have my two girls in my life, but I knew I'd have a hard time mourning the loss of not feeling pregnant again. And when I got pregnant this time, I at first thought I'd really struggle when I had the baby, knowing that my pregnant life was really over. But I feel different now. I'll still feel sad it'll all be over, but now I know of so many women who will never feel what it's like to carry for a variety of reasons: living childfree, adoption, using a surrogate; my feelings of my own 'end of pregnancy' seems so minor.

I went through a lot for this pregnancy. And yet, I've gone through nothing.

My husband makes my girls cry.

Can I just tell you how glad I am we're about to have a son?

My husband is simply too rough with the girls. They want to play and rough house, they ask him to do it, but they only want it for a few minutes. They get frustrated easily but hubby keeps going. I have to tell him "Stop! They are getting mad!". And do you know what he says to me at that? "They asked me to!". Um, honey? You are 36 years old. They are 3 and 4.

I sure hope this little boy will like rough play!

I've updated the family website

I was SO behind in posting some pictures, but I've finally got them up to date.

If you want to check them out, go here! The navigation is easy - on the first page, you'll see the "photo album" link.

By the way, they are ~not~ just a bunch of pictures. Instead, it's a hand picked selection of my favorites over each month complete with captions. I like this better than when people just link to their entire photo album and you are faced with hundreds and thousands of pictures, many of the same event.

"I want to make a crap"

Ella came over to me yesterday and she said "I want to make a crap."

"Oh really?" I asked, very curious. "Um, do you have to poop?

"No mommy! I want to make a CRAP." She tells me, very indignantly.

"What exactly is a 'crap' honey?" As I honestly had no clue what she was trying to say.

As she rolled her eyes (yes, yes she did) she explains "You know, cut out some shapes and glue it to a piece of paper? A CRAP mommy."

Ah. A CRAFT. Got it.

"Working from home"

I am a social being, so working from home inherently doesn't work with me. I like being at work. I like being around people.

Before children, I could work from home just fine if I had something to do that needed heavy concentration. I wasn't bothered by other people and I could just pound out whatever I needed to do. I didn't like it, but I could do it. But that's not the only thing about wfh I didn't like. At the end of the day, there was no "woohoo! I'm going home!" feeling. True, there was no commute or other things like that, but the transition from work/home is just too blurred.

After I had Ella, I was saddled with new mommy guilt about the whole daycare thing and I got approved to work from home Tuesdays and Thursdays. It wasn't that hard at first, but once she started getting bigger and being awake more, it proved to be more and more difficult. The guilt transferred to not working as much as I should and on some days, I would be online for 10-12 hours just to get my 8 hours in.

I had only been back from maternity leave for 3 months when I found myself pregnant again. I continued to work from home on Tues/Thurs throughout the pregnancy. It was horrible! I'm sure there are mommies out there who would love to work from home so they could spend time with their children, but I needed more than one day at a time away from it. I needed a place I wasn't "mommy" and that was work. So as soon as maternity leave was over from Allison's birth, I got the kids into daycare full time. It's a lot of money, but omg. SO worth it.

And here I am now, finding myself back in the working from home thing again. It's not hard, as the girls are really good at entertaining themselves with little input from me, but still, I'd rather be in the office. It's not like I'm having quality time with them when I am home!

I only work from home on Mondays. I only have 9 more mondays until my due date and then I'll be home for 12 weeks. I'm going to keep the girls in daycare 4 days a week, giving me time to recover with a newborn, yet one day a week will be all of us home at one time so the girls can bond with their new brother. Then there will be 6 months before Ella will go to school, so I'll still have all 3 kids each monday because I can't afford full time for all 3. Thankfully my mother will watch the kids on as many Mondays as possible and I can go into the office. Once Ella is in kindergarten, I will budget as much as possible to get Allison and Karl into school full time for the year before Allison will be in kindergarten.

I wonder how much of a wussy I am because I'm complaining about this. It's simply not in me. I couldn't be a stay at home mom and I can't work from home with children in the house. Which, isn't even allowed to be honest. To work from home at my company, you cannot be the sole provider for children at the same time - which I totally get.

Anyone else out there in a working from home situation when you have the kids with you? How do you make it work?

How the Weekends Have Changed.

Weekends used to be in existence for ~me~. Recharging my batteries. Snuggling with my hubby and warming my heart and nether regions. Maybe giving the house a deep cleaning so I felt better about laying around. Regardless of ~what~ I did, it usually boiled down to being for ME.

Ahhh. How selfish weekends used to be. Staying up late. Sleeping in. Being a sloth or going for a fabulous run. And now? Now. Birthday parties for 4 year olds. Taking the kids places to expand their minds, exercise their muscles, use up some energy.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I ~love~ my kids. I'll do absolutely ANYTHING for them. And I also know how lucky I am to even HAVE kids. Don't confuse my complaints with assuming I don't also know there are many people who would give anything to be in this position. Yet, no matter how lucky I feel. No matter how ninja-like I know I am for dodging the living without children bullet, the complaints will still exist.

Tomorrow will be a stop at a toy store to purchase birthday presents for the party we're invited to on Sunday. And then of course, Sunday will consist of the actual birthday party. And somewhere in there I will have to work in a trip to the movies to see Madagascar 2 like I promised. Doesn't seem like much, but don't forget there are 3 solid meals a day I must serve, countless drinks/snacks. Two sets of teeth to brush at least 2 times a day. Two nighttimes where two children will argue that they just shouldn't have to go to bed. Two naptimes which will be entail the same argument. Two "are you fucking kidding me?" morning times where my mind can't comprehend why the sun has to rise so early. Two sets of heads I must try to play beauty shop and get it to look nice more than 15 minutes at a time. Two butts to wipe (don't think you get out of this once they are out of diapers). Two bodies to bathe twice this weekend when usually it's just every other day, but due to outings and sunday night scheduled bathtime, it's going to be daily. Add in the laundry I have to get done, I'm pretty much not looking at anything else this weekend.

Before I had children, I used to envision weekends full of pancake breakfasts, cookie making and finger painting. Heh. But then I realized I ~don't~ live in the movies.

Damn.

Have you heard of this?

When I was in the hospital bored out of my mind, I was flipping channels and saw something that surprised me.

On the "newborn channel" (which, I may add, scares the shit out of me. They were going over the most basic of baby care. If you are IN the hospital after having a baby and you don't know most of these things, you are going to be in trouble) they put up a little blurb about formula. They said to ~only~ get premixed formula, as the powdered formula wasn't made at a high enough temperature to be sterile.

Really? How can powdered formula not be safe?

Watch Your Mouth! Wait, MY Mouth?

I curse. A lot. I curse when I type. I curse when I talk. I curse when I drive.

When I first had Ella, I worried about this aspect of myself, thinking I'd raise a little sailor. But my best friend explained it best to me. She curses and from that, her kids heard it and learned, from a very early age, they are bad words. In fact, as her experience was, when they actually were old enough to go to school, the curse words were ~so~ blasé to them, she never had a problem with them cursing. She did have the story when they first tried to use the word when very little, as do I, but that's really about it. Or so I thought.

A few nights ago, the girls were playing in their room a little too quietly and Tom went to check on them. (I was out at a friend's house, so I missed the exchange.) Apparently, the girls were whispering a "bad word" to one another.

Ella: "Allison, if you say it, you have to whisper it."
Allison: "asshole."
Ella: "asshole."

Tom was able to contain his laughter long enough to go in, tell them they aren't allowed to whisper it either and we'll talk about it in the morning.

During the talk the next day, I told them we'd make a deal. I'd try to watch my mouth and they would agree to not say the words at all. They agreed and then Ella had an idea for me.

Ella: "Mommy, when someone pulls in front of you, you can just just say 'darn!'."

heh.

Post # 100!

Yay!

I'm on post 620 something on my other blog, but I finally made it to #100 here. Too bad it's not going to be an exciting and interesting post.

My baby girl is sick. Really sick. Thursday, early morning, maybe 4am, I ~almost~ took her to the Emergency Room because she just was having so much trouble breathing. But some Vick's Vapor rub, steam from a hot shower and some mommy's love, she sounded better and fell back asleep. The next day I called her pediatrician but they were booked, so I sent Tom to Urgent Care with her. The doctors said it was bad, but not bad enough for a breathing treatment. They were worried about pneumonia though, whatever the step is before pneumonia (this is what I get for sending my husband) and I'm taking the best care I can for her. I'm sick now too, but not bad, so I stayed home with her. Poor baby.

I have a very funny story about curse words, but I'm going to hold off until maybe my next post. For now, it's all about miss Allie.

Afterthoughts of the election.

I always feel bad for the losers in any large election. Hell, I feel bad for a sports team after losing a game (Except the yankees. They can lose for the rest of eternity and I'd be happy.)!

I wasn't for the McCain/Palin ticket, but to be honest, I simply wasn't for the Palin half of the ticket. I'm from Arizona and I had always liked McCain, but he made a critical error in bringing Palin on board. What a whackadoo. It was terrible that I was more voting ~against~ Palin than for anyone.

I will be spending my time today to see what all of the individual states passed or shot down.

With only 87% of precincts reporting, I was ~thrilled~ to see my state (colorado) shot down Amendment 48, the "Personhood" bill. Anti abortion activists tried to define the concept of human life to start at conception. While I think this is a potential human life, I don't think the law should be defined as such. If this would have passed, it would have made me and my husband murders for disposing the 3 embryos that weren't up to grade before our transfer. It would have made all abortions illegal, even if the woman was violently raped. Ugh.

So I was happy to see 1.5 million Coloradans vote against this measure. But it scares the shit out of me 546,540 people actually voted "yes". Scary.

Work From Home Mondays

Well ~that~ didn't go well at all.

Due to the increase of daycare rates and the fact I simply don't have $2,881/month spare change to pay for full time, we have decreased our care to 4 days/week. This means every Monday, I will work from home. I am a self professed bad "work from home" employee and I try not to ever do it. When someone is sick or the roads are thick with ice or snow, that's one thing, as it's rare, but I don't like having a set schedule for WFH days.

My plan is this ...
~ I only have 11 weeks before maternity leave. Due to that, I don't have large projects nor anything new on my plate. So I'll just take it easy and won't stress on my Mondays until I go into labor.
~ Then I'll have 12 weeks maternity leave.
~ I'll be back mid-April (if I deliver when due) and my parents will be back in Colorado by then. (they are snowbirds - living in colorado in summer and arizona in winter). My mom has graciously offered to watch the children on any Monday she isn't out of town so I can go into the office. Cool.
~ Ella will go to kindergarten in August, so that will be back to having 2 kids in full time. I'm just going to work towards that budget.

I have moved my office into my living room, to a little corner desk next to the entertainment center. This is going to take some getting used to because I used to be in the back office, away from the hustle/bustle of the house. I declared the day to be "movie Monday" which lasted about an hour. Then I decided to run a lunch errand with the children and ended up being gone almost 2 hours. Definitely not good for the 'ole career. I had to work after the kids went to bed to make up my time. I can't do that every Monday!

Anywho, thank goodness it's Tuesday!

The Nursery is Done!

I've been working on the nursery since 8am this morning. It started out as an empty room with new carpet, but a closet full of our off season wardrobe. These are the things I have done today pretty much all by myself:

~ Put together a new shelf for the room
~ Cleaned changing table which was in the girl's room, holding their stuffed animals, blankies and miscellaneous baskets of toys. Cleaned out all baskets and stocked it with baby supplies. Recovered changing pad with an organic cotton cover.
~ Went to HellMart and exchanged 3 packs of girl pullups for newborn diapers. (Yes, I'm going to be using cloth diapers, but expect to use disposables for first few weeks.) Also bought a hanging closet shelf organizer.
~ Did Karl's first load of laundry - all his bedding and blankets.
~ Went to storage unit and got crib, glider, gender neutral sheets I had from the girls, bouncy seats, playgym and baby toys. Pretty much everything he'll use for the first few months. Left highchair, older baby toys, etc.
~ Went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and bought heavy duty wardrobe to store our clothes. Also picked up some linen storage boxes to store toys and whatever in nursery.
~ Cleaned everything from storage, put together crib.
~ Put bedding, aquarium and mobile in crib.
~ Hung wall decor (some were there, so only had to reposition them)
~ Took out all our clothes, put them in storage bags and hung them on the rolling wardrobe I just put together.
~ Put up closet organizer and cleaned out everything else. It's empty and ready!

Here is how everything turned out ...


This poster is a subpop poster for a 1993 show in Tokyo featuring the supersuckers. Appropriate for a nursery, right? Oh, and those wall letters are totally even. They look so off in this picture that I went back in to look at them. It's just the photo, which, I may add, is bugging me.



The other orange curtain panel is on back order until mid December! So I simply have this one hanging to get the color scheme shown. I do have a new black metal curtain rod to hang, but I'll just wait until I get the other panel.



Check out this awesome shelf! Looks like a professional ~had~ to have put that together, doesn't it? ~wink~ I have two bouncy seats because I got the blue one for Ella, but she never liked it. When I had Allie, I bought her the papasan one, but ends up she liked the blue one. I'll never win. The poster is from a Fugazi and Shellac show Tom and I went to. We heard of the show, bought tickets to hold at will call and drove straight through from Colorado to Chicago. This was May, 1998. The next day, we drove to Kansas City and I attended my first Red Sox game. It was my first view into seeing Tom in his "element". Have you seen the movie "Fever Pitch"? Yeah, it was like that. Later that night, Tom told me he loved me for the very first time.



I just love the crib. LOVE it. The pictures on the left were paintings I found which seemed to represent both Tom and I as children. The girl is blonde haired, standing on the wet sand of a beach with her swimsuit riding up her little butt. The boy had light brown hair in a bowl cut, climbing a tree. It's almost like the artist painted these from childhood pictures.



I love the bedding. And I love the mobile. I am determined to get a mobile that grabs the attention of my child. The other mobiles I have gotten have just been your average mobile that matches the bedding. This time, I researched mobiles and ended up with this one. It plays 3 different classical music pieces, the arm itself moves left and right and the main part of the mobile rotates. Hell, it gets ~my~ attention, I'm confident the baby may actually glance at the thing once or twice.



This one just shows where the door is located. It also shows the infamous crib aquarium which each of my children have received as babies. Both Ella and Allison still use it, every night without fail, when they go to bed. It's been worth it's weight in gold.


I wish I had more room, but I have a teeny house. The nursery is actually the largest bedroom in the house, larger than the master bedroom by about 6-8"!! I see other blogs showing pictures of their nurseries and I'm just so damned jealous. But I do love what I put together.


This was me today, trying to leave to go to HellMart. It was such a nice day outside, I wanted to get photographic proof of wearing a sundress in November. (It even was so warm I took off that little sweater!) But my husband is the slowest picture taker on the planet and I was blinded by the sunlight, so no good picture. And it's another picture I just don't look too pregnant.



And then I turn to the side and dispel that myth!